I am stealing this meme from ambientlight:

Rules: Don't take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than fifteen minutes. [and the rest of the instructions referred to facebook protocols so I'm skipping it :P)

( +15 )

I realise I could sum this up in 'afk til 24th, brb', but for the love of the English language-- I'll be gone from the 10th to the 24th, tripping around various Polish cities and Prague and trying to stay toasty in my recent haul Uniqlo of wool and fleece and thermal clothes. eheheh. would be more excited if I didn't have two more essays to finish between now and then! I will totally take photos you guys.

(another announcement like this will go up later in the month because I'll be tripping around Slovenia, Croatia and Hungary from the 1st to the 8th of January as well. again with the not-freezing! when the clock strikes twelve and the year changes I suspect I will be either frantically packing or camping out in a London budget airport. also, I am so psyched about Budapest.)

ps: yes, I checked. I don't need visas for any of those countries.

it is dread that i should not be feeling. because my God is mighty to save, He is the everlasting God who gives His children the strength to carry on and run the race.

still, on the bus back into singapore, i realised how much i was able to NOT think of during the course of the camp. how it didn't cross my mind that i have to check my email or fb or any shit like that. i think i would still like that peace of mind so from now on i'm going to try to not use the computer unless i really do need to. or else i'll usually be sitting in front of it wasting electricity and energy and all that stuff.

but also more than that, it's back to fighting the very tough fight of being the person that i know i should be. its getting tough to hold up a front. its getting tough to hold things together so they won't fall apart. i'm tired. i'm just really tired. and i want to go back to those days where there was nothing i needed to worry about because i had faith and trust in God, and all i really wanted to do was walk and talk with Him. i miss those days. i hope it is possible to go back to them.

Today my driving instructor said that from 1st March, that's it, they don't care if you've learnt with parking poles for a few MONTHS already, if you can't pass by 1st March and your next test date is beyond 1st March... it's no poles for you! Which sucks majorly because everyone knows that Bukit Batok Driving Centre has like a WAITING LIST of 1 to 2 months for a driving test! So if I don't pass on 2nd January, the next day I could possibly book would be like sometime in March or something! Which, quite frankly, sucks balls~!

Of course, that's assuming I fail on 2nd January. And I might not. I mean, there is the chance that I'll pass. I've been doing well in all the courses so far. I've never actually dropped a parking pole yet. (I'd better not say this really, because it may mean that my next lesson - stage 5 - evaluation, might be full of dropping poles...) I'm cool on the roads. Today I actually drove within the speed limit. I just have to hope, and trust, and pray, and have faith...

Because I cannot afford to do it again. So what if parking in the real world will be a bitch, after that? Just let me have the poles first, for goodness' sake. Ugh.

I searched online for news articles about the parking poles, and came across a couple of car forums. And frankly am appalled by the way some people speak. Saying stuff like "now those charbors (slang for girls, don't know what dialect it is) wun b able 2 pass so easily" - only less eloquently, if that was possible. Who ARE these people who talk like that? Who think that girls are so inferior that they immediately laud the change to the test system as being able to weed out the "charbors" from the men?

I mean, seriously. Do they really think that their future girlfriends or wives (if any at all) will appreciate the fact that they talk so casually about women being bad drivers and referring to us with a term that isn't even very flattering at all?

Doubtless these are the folks who'll be sitting at a coffee-shop, when they're old and wrinkled and gray, with their foot (clad in an ugly flip-flop, no doubt) up on their chair, drinking their teh and smoking and wondering why they missed the boat.

No need to wonder, really.

I've got to pass on the 2nd. The pressure's building up, like, majorly.

Things I learnt today: Make sure to turn the wheel back to full lock right before the pole disappears, not AFTER it disappears (vertical parking). Or else I'll strike the right side. Yeah. And be careful when parallel parking. And make sure to keep my signal on until I've moved into the lane in question, not flicker it on and off and then go in. And check my blind spot properly. And don't drive so fast. And don't turn the corners wide. And position myself not too forward when I do directional change or I will strike the kerb. (I did, today, but I didn't mount it.)

Overall if I'd had done the test today I think I would've passed. Too bad I wasn't confident enough to book it earlier...

Blah. Next lesson is 5.01. Evaluation. Sigh.

(Who'd have thought that driving could be more stressful than school examinations?)

"Just what I did today" kind of posts.

I went to Chinatown with Iris today to buy cloth. To make clothing for Cadell. Or at least TRY to. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but oh well. That's what Iris is good at, so I'mma ask her for help. =3 I don't know what I'm going to make with the black cotton I got, but I have the purple and creamy-brown cloth which I'm going to make a kimono with... Yes, I know it's generic, but it looks easier than, say, oh, I don't know, a shirt or something, at least to me. I'm not very good at the cutting of clothing, actually. The sewing part is alright.

Funnily enough, the young woman at the shop we went to (couldn't have been older than 30 at the most) knew about dolls. It was funny. She asked what I wanted the cloth for, I said "doll clothes" - she's like "How big is your doll?" So I said, uh, 60cm, and she asked if he was one of those dolls from Japan (though Cadell is from Korea) - and then proceeded to talk about some people who bring their dolls and call them their children or something.

(I don't do that yet.)

I wonder if she owns any? I'm not sure, but... heh. It was actually pretty cool that she knew about it. She asked when I'd gotten mine, and said that a few months ago means he's still pretty young. Yeah, he is. But he's sweet and he's mine. >D Ahahahaha. He's mah dahling. XD

Which is worse, "child" or "darling"? xD No, no, he's my little miracle, he came to me after a long detour to Thailand. A miracle indeed.

My betta fishes aren't eating for some weird reason. I give them pellets and flakes, but they're just... not eating. They eat really reluctantly and then spit it out. Okay, the black colored one (up till now, I haven't actually NAMED him) is eating fine, but Angel and the white one aren't eating right. Angel isn't even TRYING. I don't know what's wrong. I can't give them the bloodworms, I think the can has gone bad, it smells awful.

Sigh.

Guess I've got to go and buy more food tomorrow. ...After my driving lesson or something. And then clean out the fishtanks, cause they're kind of dirty with all the uneaten food now.


I want to SHINE on you/ And always like that dazzling sun/ I will defend you from all the darkness/ This is the truth of my heart

trees - jiayou! you can do it! (:
zhing - chin up baby <3 u're beautiful
gerald - welcome backk! (:
adam - lay off the sticks, keep it up! (:
jae - stay close to God's heart
ron - movie when i get back!
charm - gonna miss you. glad we met up yesterday (:
gerah.nat.sam.mingwei - keep running, keep impacting lives (:
ting.jenn.car.germs.shiping.PLC - meet up soooooNNNN! pre/post Christmas/new year!
erika.ursula.aaron - jack, horses, stables next week kay! (:

hogays lovelies take care God bless see you in a week! :D

What I need most for Christmas in my present life would probably be a CD of music dominated by the violin -- no, just the chorus must be violin-dominant -- with some vocals that don't even have to be lyrics!

Yeah, that's like when I can sense the emotion in the music best. Probably 'cause the violin is a more emotional instrument?

No idea what I'm saying. Piano = the instrument for me; Violin = cmi. Piano = pretty emotional but you can't feel it when you have forgotten the notes mostly because you just can't touch it. I finally got to sit with the piano twice in the last two weeks, and those were the first times in 9 weeks. I sat before the piano, and played, and realised that my muscle memory has been overwritten. And then the 2nd time, I just sat there and kept playing until my fingers remembered the whole of the Scarlatti.

It kinda sucks that I lost my two most emotional pieces. And really I love all the Chopin pieces I can/could play because they are so damn emotional.

becoming a Christ follower (not just believer ;)) is like becoming a Vampire.

yes.

the transformation process is freakin' painful
(not to mention it takes 3 days like the Resurrection :P)

but

you come out with:
(spiritual) gifts
supernatural strength! and
ETERNAL LIFE

no, i'm not a twilight fan. i've just been re-reading it a million times this semester, IN THE TOILET. because it is BRAINLESS and you need brainless material when u're in law school (:

i realised my smile is very bright when i'm looking at him. hahaha


i've been awake for awhile now
you've got me feeling like a child now
coz every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tingles in a silly place hehe

it starts in my toes
and i crinkle my nose
wherever it goes i always know
that you make me smile (:
please stay for a while now
just take your time
wherever you go

the rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hiding in a safer place
under the covers stayin safe and warm
you give me feelings that i adore (:

they start in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
wherever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for awhile now
just take your time
wherever you go

what am i gonna say?
when you make me feel this way?
i just, mmm

it starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
wherever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for awhile now
just take your time
wheverer you go

i've been asleep for awhile now
you tucked me in just like a child now
coz every time you hold me in your arms
i'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

it starts in my soul
and i lose all control (:
when you kiss my nose ((:
the feelin' shows
coz you make me smile (:
baby just take yoru time now
holding me tight

wherever, wherever, where ever you go

That I am thankful for my mum. Even if we do get at each others' throats really often. Which, believe me, I don't actually enjoy. Contrary to all popular belief.

Tonight I was slightly depressed... Okay, not slightly. I don't want to say why. But I was. I was just wondering at myself, at everything about myself. It seems like everything upon which I built my life so far has been, well, to say the least, unimportant. I don't know. I'm trying so hard to adjust to being an average student in the system of life, and it also makes me wonder, whenever I hear stories about brilliant, amazing social lives, and parties until 2am in the morning, which I don't do, and I wonder if I'm lacking somehow.

Why don't I party, anyway? I'm well qualified. Other than the huge fact that I don't actually DRINK. But I mean, I like the idea of socializing. The idea of it, only, mind you, the redemption of it. I don't think I'd actually like doing it. I might. I've never tried. But considering that I get all cranky during sleepovers and I'm always the first one insisting we turn off the lights and SLEEP, so... I don't think partying and dancing and whatever would go down well with me.

But anyway. Back to this. When I walked past my mum... I thought to myself, I know she'll come find me. She'll know I'm feeling down. And true enough, she did. I don't know many things in this world, honestly, but I do know that my mum has a good heart. And she just... She knows. When something's wrong, she knows.

She knew.

We had a bit of a chat... (Okay, not quite a bit, more like a looong chat, but you get the idea) and I guess... I feel better now. Maybe it doesn't matter quite so much, as long as I know she's proud of me anyway. I just want to write it down now, because I want to have something to remember. That tonight, and indeed throughout most of my life, she's been there. I might forget, you see. Humans forget all too easily. What was that song? "I'm only human, and humans forget... so remind me, remind me, dear Lord"...

Thanks, mum.

She'll probably never read my blog (I'm not sure if that's good or bad, cause I know I've ranted about her before) but one day I'll tell her that it really meant so much. She's going to be home for the next few months, I used to think that having her home would mean I wouldn't have much freedom... but... it doesn't seem so bad now.

The last few days have really flown by in a rush. Mainly because I took the liberty of shoving just about every imaginable activity into this week, and the next, and the week after, because I want to have lovely holidays. Heh. I want to fill up every day, so that there'll never be a day I'm just sitting at home. I had driving lesson twice this week, and went to Sophia's house yesterday. Can't wait to see her second doll arrive!

One thing worries me though - they say that starting from March 2010, the driving centres are going to start teaching people to park (vertical and parallel) WITHOUT poles. And I've been learning with poles. My driving test is on the 2nd of January... and if I fail it (oh I hope not!) I will have to book another test date. Which will probably be in February, if I'm lucky. And if for some reason I can't get another date, I might have to book one in March, and what if the person wants me to do my test without poles?! I never learnt it that way! And it would be totally unfair to expect me to do that, when they never taught me that way. Sigh.

I'm just going to pray really hard that I pass my driving test on the first try. I'm actually not bad at doing it now. I'm still a little too fast when I do the courses, but that's nothing that can't be fixed by a little more foot on the brakes. I can do it, I could well get a perfect score, but for the nerves, I suppose. I do it very well everytime, during my lessons... why can't the tester dude sit in on one of my lessons? Pffts.

I must've walked everywhere in Orchard today - collected Cadell's underwear, accessories, and boots. I'll probably sell the boots though, because I realise he has five pairs of shoes now, and he really can't wear all of them at the same time anyway. Still. The weather has been absolutely dreadful these few weeks. Rain, rain, rain... Running through the monsoon, indeed!

Uncle Wan Sing passed away last week. I've been avoiding talking about it because, well, I don't deal well with... loss, in a sense. Heck, I can't even throw away old stuff sometimes. Much less think about loss of someone ALIVE, who I knew. I remember the day my brother got baptised, I was being kind of moody (long story there) and he asked me if I was okay. To which I asked HIM if he was okay, since, well, I mean... whatever stuff I had that was bothering me, surely couldn't be as big as the worries he must have had.

I'm just really afraid that one day I will have to face the loss of my own parents. I know it will happen, of course. It's inevitable, one day it will happen. But the thought that I can't escape from this future, this reality... it's very scary. My dad especially. Not that losing my mum wouldn't devastate me, but... yeah. Like the time I cried at Dr. Tan's funeral. Not because I was devastated by HIS passing in particular... it was just that I remembered that one day, it would be me being the grieving daughter.

And even though they sometimes drive me absolutely bonkers... they're my parents. Great, now I want my daddy, and they've all gone out to a barbeque thing at Uncle Peng Kok's house.

Pffts.

Must pass driving test!!! On the first shot! (I hope Jane has booked her test! ...hint hint. Then we can drive everywhere together! ...wait, only one of us needs to drive... but... UGH. I mean, we could take turns!!!)

Shall leave a picture of Cadell here, looking very spiffy, and this is a lovely picture thanks to my dad's spiffy, spiffy DSLR.

At times I am the god I carry in myself,
And then I'm the god, the believer and the prayer
And the ivory image
In which this god is forgotten.

At times I'm no more than an atheist
Of this god I am when exalted.
I see in myself an entire sky,
And it's only a vast and hollow sky.

The number's been coming back to say hi now and then. It almost seems that every time I take a look at a time piece its been that way. I guess those numbers are showing how precious they are to me at this moment since I never really let it sink in a month ago.

Ah wells. Super excited about tomorrow! Have bad memories of M'sia cos of the car disappearing incident... But oh well time to go for camp. I hope it'll be a time of enjoyment, renewal and new convictions... Filled with the glory and presence of God. Here we go...

I think I babbled something about the bourgeoisie and the separation of work and leisure and possibly mind control. Obviously, I was smoking. Anyway it's such a relief that the exams are all over now and tears welled up in my eyes while I was sitting in the exam hall yesterday waiting for the profs to dismiss us -- I kid you not. It's a great load off my chest.

And as usual, many things to run after that. I swear, people are just waiting for students to finish their exams so they can exploit their cheap/free labour. Even before I could collect my bag, my phone was already ringing away, and not in the wanna-go-out-to-celebrate way. It's especially bad this round because The Parents are off in China attending some distant relative's wedding so running the household time, yippee. Had to do groceries on my own just now and it sucks carrying it all back home on the train. And we were out of eggs, so I had to be extra careful while doing the usual bump-and-shove at Jurong Point.

Went to collect my new passport yesterday and wow, the process is extremely efficient if you do everything online -- in and out within 15 minutes, tops. The people I jumped ahead of must be pretty annoyed but hey, the tech is available to you too. Have some faith in online application systems, guys. If only my experience at the US embassy today was like that, but thankfully my interview went well and I can get my passport back next week.

HOWEVER THAT ALSO MEANS I CAN'T GO FOR THE YOUTH CAMP MY OWN SISTER IS HELPING TO PLAN SINCE WITHOUT A PASSPORT I'M STUCK IN SINGAPORE DAMMIT.

While freedom means many errands which needs to be done, at least I get to indulge in my oldest hobby! I could have gone to the book fair at the Expo, but omg, I'm taking the train from Pioneer, how many of my brain cells do you want to kill? National Library it was, since I was going to ICA anyway and it's a walkable distance. Took out the couple of books -- Jennifer Fallon is an author I can foresee myself liking very much -- but where is


I want it NOW. ;_; Maybe I should just read it off the Internet...

Meanwhile, Brandon Sanderson(mistborn), the hot new fantasy writer who's been selected to complete the Wheel of Time saga*, has a new book out: Warbreaker. I am ashamed to confess that I can't get past the second chapter. Fortunately, he is a very nice chap and willingly put the whole novel online for free (!) so I can take my time if I ever do decide to tackle it. But I really want to get a hold of Elantris by next week.

* If you've read the Mistborn trilogy, you'd expect good stuff from this guy. While it's not the most impressive writing or even plotting -- deus ex machina, much? -- Sanderson is fantastic at world-building, and he developed a very imaginative magic system. Somehow I got sucked in bad -- during term break I swallowed up the trilogy in 5 days?
Elend Venture from his Mistborn trilogy will forever and ever remain my #1 book crush of the year though. He's like, my dream guy.

So, the 36 hours that have passed since the end of my exams have been busy and quite filled with adventurous experiences! I have spent hours queueing at Fairprice/Watson's/the post office/immigration/the American Embassy/public transport! I have waded through 600 pages of generic fantasy! I have gone shopping with my sister! I have baked pie! (It smells fabulous; just waiting for felly to come home so we can pig out on it while watching the telly.)Still the highlight of it so far is


GO GO GO GO GO

(Oh felly just came back! Pieeeeeee~)

my heart is captivated Lord, by You alone
captured by the awesomeness of You alone
melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
i stand in wonder

i reach to You the one who makes the blind eyes see
who breaks the chains of sickness with authority
restoring what was broken
so it may fly again (:

now, i fly
but under Your wings

Note: The vocabulary for this piece was almost entirely restricted to a Swadesh list of 100 words, which explains why it's slightly circuitous and also why it's slightly odd, yet again.

One night, a long white road came down from the black mountain. Walking as one people, we came as a fire comes. The road was warmed by our feet. We walked as it burned, smoke and ashes at our feet. We could have flown, but the people to come were not to see this. We came to the trees and stood, the full moon round, and white, and cold. Earth, sand, stone and water, we knew them and gave them tongues. One by one, new men and women were seen and heard, and it was good. They sat, stood, walked, swam, but did not fly. We flew, at night, not seen by the people. Many suns and moons came round and died, and we saw the people eat seeds, roots and leaves, what the trees gave. We knew it was good to give them meat, so we gave birds that flew and fishes that swam, and it was good. The men and women killed and ate, and their bellies were full, and it was good. Skin and meat, blood and fat, the people ate it all. We gave them dogs, and they gave the dogs the bones, and it was good. The rain came in the night and gave water to drink, and it was good. Then one night, we saw smoke from among the trees, and we saw the people eating and drinking by fires. We did not give fire, and knew we had been lied to. We would have killed, but knew not who was to be killed. One or many? Not knowing, our hearts were cold and it was not good. Many suns and moons came round and died, and we were not one people. The red said to burn and kill. The green said to see and give. The yellow said to sit and stand. The white said to hear and know. The black said to bite and lie. Round and round and round, as we sat by the trees, the stars cold in the night, and it was not good. The people killed, ate, drank, slept, died, not seeing, not hearing, not knowing. Many suns and moons came round and died, and the black lied to us all. They came to the men and women, one and all, and lay with them, knew them. Their mouths and their necks, their bellies and their breasts. The black ate and drank of the people, and it was not good. Men and women named the black the feathered ones, came and sat at their feet, or stood in smoke and ashes, burning in fires that warmed the night, and it was not good. We had not known all this, or we would not have come down from the black mountain. On that mountain, we knew all. By the trees, we saw but knew not, heard but knew not. Our hearts died as we saw the black lie to the people, but the new moon came and dried the water, killed the trees, birds and fishes. We saw that it was not good, but we walked on the road to the mountain, not knowing the people, not seeing their eyes, not hearing their mouths. We sleep on the mountain, and many suns and moons will come around and die, many stars will burn into ashes, and we will come. A long white road will come down from the black mountain. We will not walk as it burns, smoke and ashes at our feet. We will fly to the people and we will say, 'The black have lied. We are the one but many, the many in one.' We will know and we will come.

i'm tired of being what i want me to be
feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
i don't know what i'm expecting of me
put under the pressure of walking in my shoes

every step that I take is another mistake to me.

when will it work. when will i be done. it's still early, but it's just too late.

Ytd was a totally bad day but whatever I'll wait for you to realise.

Anw, this is kinda funny http://sites.tonguechic.com/ticawards/07-flop-of-the-year.php

TRASH THAT TREND:
Sneaker heels - I've seen people wear them before and they look fine actually
Crocs - They're comfortable
C string - Haven't seen anyone wear it yet. Even if they did I wouldnt know and I don't wanna know
Meggings - ... I have an open mind
Jelly shoes - They look like they cost 5 bucks
Harem pants - Some people look okay in them
Skirt cape - Some can carry it off alright
Fanny packs - Beer auntie ttm

I can't decide between jelly shoes and fanny packs.

Mm can't wait for Shock Value TWO (:

But this is how I feel: