was walking home from waterford plaza when it started raining. there weren't any shelters nearby, apart from the option of trespassing people's houses, so i continued walking, and was crossing the road with this old lady who was holding a walking cane with one hand and a shopping trolley in the other. there was an umbrella sticking out. at first when i asked if she'd like some help she said it was fine but in the end cos i could see she was walking in the same direction i pulled the umbrella out and held it over her and walked her to her door. in return, she loaned me her umbrella and so i am going to return it on the next sunny day. (: 

also, finally went to unichurch last evening, and i like it so much that i'm going to go again this sunday (: it's all awesome. 

 I find it hard to believe that I could be so special to you. I find it hard to understand why I could be special to anybody. 

 you've been asking me for dates for my flights, what are my plans, what kind of things I will be needing. 

I keep telling you the same thing: I don't know yet, I'll get back to you once they get back to me with all the confirmations. 

I don't understand why they don't get it. I don't understand why they are not hearing what I'm saying. I don't understand why they think I am so eager to hold back information from them. I don't understand why she's suddenly grousing about money when I asked them so many times before I even BEGAN to consider and asked them if they were alright spending up to 10k for me to participate in the exchange program. I don't understand why my parents don't understand me always. Am I speaking English? Or is there some secret code that I'm supposed to use that you never taught me? Tell me. 

It's been a long day and truth be told I don't really have anything to show for it, nothing that's tangible at least. Went for the PLMGS concert to support Vanessa and did not regret a single moment. I love watching performances, especially those that have obviously been through tonnes of practice to get it as perfect as possible. The harpists played Swan Lake beautifully, ELDDS is growing a number of stars-to-be, guzheng ensemble were so synchronised we didn't quite know when to applaud between songs, and the handbell ensemble version of The Prayer honestly had me in tears. The concert made me miss being in school, mostly RGS, although I do miss RJ too. 

And now, to bed. 

Even with the recent and increasing burn-out, I gave You Your due and more, reluctantly, unwillingly. Complainingly. It was my duty but not my joy, and after I gave I wanted to take back in an attempt to preserve myself according to my calculations, my wisdom. I didn't do that but resentment burned heavy in the pit of me. 

But You are God who knows all and never fails to provide, God who waited patiently for realisation to dawn upon me once again that You care for Your own even in the small and silent ways. 

I hate my family sometimes but I love them too.

They're a part of me, inevitably, so how do you think I'd feel when you sulk at what they do wrong? What do you expect me to do after despising these traits that have rubbed off on me in some way or another? There's no path left me but to swallow this self-loathing, the poison you pour on my tongue. 

 On the morning radio yesterday there was a report about a man who has 94 children by 39 wives. The male deejay declared him crazy because 'why would you want to live with 39 women when most of us can't even handle one?'

It's not that difficult to figure out, really. having 39 different women equal 39 different households to visit, and you can't even fit all into a month if you stay one night at each place. of the 39 women, some will keep busy and continue on with their lives, while others vie for his attention... when he comes knocking, perhaps one or two might turn him away, a few others might be indifferent, but most of them will not be ready to spend what little time they have with him leaving a bad impression. 

This is the weakness of a female heart. 

min. 5k words? not even halfway thru the sem and today I managed to squeeze out just about 3k words already. suck that hah! 

that being said, i have honestly never been so bored out of my mind by a hands-on course before. sucks man. 

 so i guess i'm reviving this blog, only because i somehow feel like i'm tainting my tumblr by ranting on it amidst all the pretty pictures. 

then again, i don't even know where to start. 

 i guess its part of the plan to keep relying on God's strength. and i am so relieved that teaching this passage is over. it seems to me this material bites off more scripture than it can chew, with strange emphasis on the main message, and then gives wrong interpretations and lousy questions. 

was so angry yesterday and just felt like giving up, but i guess that would have defeated what one of the lessons was about, that Christians should not just let what has been tasked to us by our Lord simply because the going gets tough. but truly, the frustration didn't help. i didn't want to wake up, i didn't want to get out of bed, and when the cell group started coming thru the door i was still scribbling my last lines, and couldn't even do up a proper worksheet with questions for them. 

hahaaa it didn't help that i was cheated of ten dollars. will have to call canadian tmr. rubbish. this is what happens when your math is bad. sigh. really sigh. 

glad i got to see lestari today, glad she seems to be doing quite well (:
 
lonely with isaac gone to bangkok but i don't seem to have the energy to spam smses anymore (tubbs this is how much you owe me okay). 

and i see i have a faux irish lit deadline in my phone... today... i dunno if there are questions. 

perhaps i'm the one who has bitten off more than i can chew. i sometimes feel i'm reaching breaking point and there's no one really around who can fully understand, except Jesus. 

Psalm 116:10-11
i believed, even when i spoke, "I am greatly afflicted."
i said in my alarm, "all mankind are liars."

 yeah, well, i wouldn't want my kids to check out photos of when i was young and go 'omg. my mom was a whore.'

i think this blog will be for ranting, and that blog will be for art. (:

altho i don't have very much to rant about today, so we will just leave it at that.

posting here because i don't want to emo up my tumblr too much.

the percy jackson -watching outing with the family was perfect until my parents wouldn't stop moralising over every single topic that came up over the supper table. started lecturing us all over the place and nothing would get them to stop.

it just gets so retarded sometimes.

trust some reason to block my path to my perfect timetable.

unabrogable.tumblr.com

i prob am still gonna be using this for long wordy rants. i think. if i still have them left in me! so erm i will update y'all again whether this is still gonna be functional. for the timebeing, taz and happy new year!!!

come february i might as well book a spot in the airport.

i shake my fist at you, australia, for stealing all my loves away.

the year that i re-subscribed to new year resolutions only to break it so badly.
the year that i finally decided it wasn't worth making enemies in school, and discovered quite a few gems of friends.
the year that i took my first job.
the year that i started hunting like crazy for part-time jobs after that job was over.
the year that i discovered the usefulness of makeup other than eyeliner.
the year that i realised i do need to take care of my skin.
the year that i miss another close friend to the land down under, with another waiting to fly off.
the year that i became the kind of person that i never wanted to be.
the year that i feel like the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet.
the year that i felt utterly helpless and useless to do anything good.
the year full of mistakes.
the year that flew by before i could blink, but am not sorry to see gone.
the year of great spending, disregarding the "recession".
the year that my friendships with some pple strengthened, while others faded.
the year that i realise why i am so afraid to speak encouragement to anyone anymore.
the year that people begin to think that i have an eating disorder, which, disclaimer, I DO NOT.
the year that broke my journalling habit.
the year that i begin to truly feel the burden for the youths and pple arnd me, but my inadequacy to do anything about it.
the year of great self-confidence, yet of great doubt.
another year of not buying any christmas presents for anyone. AT ALL. so you're not the only one left out.
the year that i figure out what needs to be done in the year ahead, and am so daunted at the thought.
the year that i break down at the foot of the cross because i realise more fully the extent of grace taken to love and die for a person so full of failure.

oh yes now i rmb!

have yourself a merry little christmas
let your heart be light
from now on our troubles will be out of sight

have yourself a merry little christmas
make the yule-tide gay
from now on our troubles will be miles away

here we are as in olden days
happy golden days of yore
faithful friends who are dear to us
gather near to us once more

through the years we all will be together
if the Fates allow
hang a shining star upon the highest bough
and have yourself a merry little christmas now

------
I just wanted to say, that I FIND THIS SONG VERY DEPRESSING!!!! simply because it makes me think of how IMPOSSIBLE it is to gather everyone together every year under the same circumstances. and that makes me sad. SAD, I SAY!!!

so this song really should be used as sad bgm, rather than happy-ending bgm.

it is dread that i should not be feeling. because my God is mighty to save, He is the everlasting God who gives His children the strength to carry on and run the race.

still, on the bus back into singapore, i realised how much i was able to NOT think of during the course of the camp. how it didn't cross my mind that i have to check my email or fb or any shit like that. i think i would still like that peace of mind so from now on i'm going to try to not use the computer unless i really do need to. or else i'll usually be sitting in front of it wasting electricity and energy and all that stuff.

but also more than that, it's back to fighting the very tough fight of being the person that i know i should be. its getting tough to hold up a front. its getting tough to hold things together so they won't fall apart. i'm tired. i'm just really tired. and i want to go back to those days where there was nothing i needed to worry about because i had faith and trust in God, and all i really wanted to do was walk and talk with Him. i miss those days. i hope it is possible to go back to them.

At times I am the god I carry in myself,
And then I'm the god, the believer and the prayer
And the ivory image
In which this god is forgotten.

At times I'm no more than an atheist
Of this god I am when exalted.
I see in myself an entire sky,
And it's only a vast and hollow sky.

my mind is not as free as i thought it would be once the exams ended. having two bad papers does not let one rest easy, even if i DID fall asleep in the second paper. for like twenty minutes. i was even dreaming. fortunately somebody tapped sth, whether it was a pen on a desk or on my chair, but i snapped awake, and very miserable when i realised i was still in the exam hall, and with not a word written at an hour into the paper.

i also learnt today that indeed absolutely nobody is going to listen to another person whine. so all you really have to mope with is yourself. i'm going back to my journal.

all things hang like a drop of dew upon a blade of grass
and i am becomingly increasingly disheartened
and i don't know where this is going.

i only dare to write this hear coz this is my blog so i still have a right to whine on my blog haha

the thought of leaving has crossed my mind. issues of integrity, i can't lead the younger ones. not now, not ever, not the way i am.
will wait and see what words come.

i just really need to not talk to anyone right now.
perhaps i am being stupid, because undoubtedly
i am one of the stupidest people alive. and
that has been proven to me over and over. but
everyone needs time to recover, so
i just really need to not talk to anyone right now.

my heart almost broke as I walked past the man in the wheelchair, singing his soul into What A Wonderful World as everyone hurried past him as if he was invisible. i wanted to give him something but i didn't have a cent on me.

and then i got home and i watched this and my heart did break.


http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=93797423824&ref=share

so anyway i took the leap and went to send over the money and now i'm just praying God please don't let it be a scam please don't let it be a scam it's alot of money for me to foot, and alot of faith to lose. faith in man i mean. it's not God's fault any of this is happening.

also, must say that today's song choice was a miracle, and i just know that it wasn't me who was picking the songs. i went to sleep with only one maybe song on my mind last night, and this morning when i woke up early the songs just... i dunno. turned up in my head. chose themselves. and then set themselves into a comprehensible list without my even having to really examine the lyrics for a flow. so i know it wasn't me.

glad to know i'm being used for His glory, even such a screwed up tool as myself.

here in Your presence we are undone
here in Your presence heaven and earth become one
here in Your presence all things are new
here in Your presence everything bows before You

okk i'm going to bed. i have my stupid marketing paper tmr. though it can seriously go and die. i shall check out the fb group for stupid things to do when going into exams that you know you're gonna fail anyway. tomorrow.

TIRING AT XIAO GUILIN

i've been hearing that everyone thinks i'm anorexic! >:( what on earth! i'm not la!!! i will like eat a pizza in front of everybody la!

>:(

there's a land that is fairer than day
and by faith we can see it afar
for the Father waits over the way
to prepare us a dwelling place there

in the sweet, by and by,
we shall meet on that beautiful shore
in the sweet, by and by,
we shall meet on that beautiful shore

we shall sing on that beautiful shore
the melodious songs of the blessed
and our spirits shall sorrow no more
not a sigh for the blessing of rest

to our bountiful Father above
we will offer our tribute of praise
for the glorious gift of His love
and the blessings that hallow our days

was an okay day. i mean, as okay as it could be with my grandfather's funeral.

i really appreciated deaconess's sharing at mandai today. i always appreciate when she teaches. and what i loved about our pastors, today, was how sincere they were. you couldn't miss it from their eyes, the way they spoke. you couldn't miss it.

i hope mom will be okay.

went home in the afternoon and crashed and just COULDN'T pull myself out of bed. finally did at 430, which was the time that i was supposed to meet my performance group mates, and then took a bus down to smu, where we breathed the city air. rehearsal went well, efficient, (rather). hope it all turns out well on tuesday.

BUT i'm panicking now because i just thought abt next week and realised how many deadlines and stuff i had due.

my working pace totally has to buck up like thousandfold.

God save me.

wants http://www.threadless.com/product/851/Take_Me_To_Tokyo?utm_source=cms&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Take_Me_To_Tokyo&utm_campaign=reprint%20request

this afternoon my family minus my father who is enjoying himself toiling away in Europe trooped down to Lot One to have a late lunch early dinner lunner dinch tea ARGH at the new york new york branch there.

while walking from the carpark to the mall itself, there was this old lady sitting on the curb, selling tissue. i saw my mom do a double take, but we both walked on, simply because... i dunno. momentum? selfishness?

then i stopped and said, 'i think i could do with some tissue.' seeing as how the packet in my bag was alrdy half used.

so i backtracked to the lady and on a spur of the moment, took out a two-dollar note instead of the one dollar coin that i knew i had. she started fishing for more tissue packets while i tried in vain to tell her it was okay, it was for her. she ignored me, drawing out three more packets of tissue and handing them to me. and i took them, because even though part of me wanted to give her that dollar for nothing, another part of me felt that i should take it, out of respect to her.

i wish i could've done more for her.

---
on a separate note, practice went really well today. the team of musicians were all familiar with the songs, other than Consider Christ and O to see the Dawn, and they're definitely at least at that level of skill where we only had to go through the songs a couple of times each before moving on, efficiently practicing 8 songs in about one and a half hours.


to remember only Christ and Him crucified, and that we are nothing, absolutely nothing, without that.
I hope that God was pleased with the practice, our offering of our talents back to Him, tonight.

rain rain go away
come again another day
rain rain go away

i love doing haikus with isaac. all the following are mostly his unless otherwise stated.

from a hint of emo:

it's human nature
to not write proper haikus-
i guess i'm human.

i have wondered why
many people call me shy.
maybe i should speak.

to kinda random!:

the sun is yellow,
the sky is purple. and brown.
i am colourblind.

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is actually grey-
the song might be real!

my hair is splitting.
i think i should get it checked
or maybe just washed.

to just utterly..………..:
rain, rain, go away,
come again another day
[…] rain, rain, go away…

[mine] the sun'll come out
tomorrow, betcha bottom
dollar that tomo---- [o_O]

[mine] wobbley tummy
wobblewobblewo--[o_O]
…bblewobblewobble. :D

my tummy wobbles
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
my tummy wobbles

i kinda could do with a glass of that now.

acting performances were rather fun today. yeah. came home tired and wanting a nap but there wasn't time.

1. went down to fetch isaac from sch and we travelled down to orchard ion. got lost trying to look for the swensons, and when we got there there was a mighty long queue which just made me go T______T and so we went to eat kfc at taka instead.

2. my eyes have been horribly dry the whole day and i didn't get my siesta. >:(

3. i can't even remember what i wanted to say. i don't even know why i'm so deadbeat.

4. oh yes. i'm sick of wanting things that i can't have. rather, i'm sick of not being able to get things that i want. it doesn't help that isaac has to forgo things that he wants too. it really doesn't.

5. this is why i don't like commuting on public transport.


this pisses me off simply coz she plonked herself down in the middle of two seats. i mean, SERIOUSLY. are you THAT FAT???? however i realised that if and when i do get my driving license and a car to terrorize the streets with, i'll probably be honking like crazy at other pple too.


on the other hand, ... sigh okay nvm.

(:

does she just have to make things so difficult for everyone to get by?

whoa. shiwei's photoshoot really did take up the whole day and more. absolutely tiring, utterly dead on my feet, and during noon i actually got nauseous a couple of times, much to the great inconvenience of everyone. but after all it's still fun, esp to have nice girls fussing arnd you making you look pretty hahahahahahaa okk i'm babbling nonsense. buhbye.

oh but i am rather looking forward to being an editor/writer for the school's epiphany magazine. (: hope i deliver well though, would be terribly sorry to disappoint.

on another note (one that passed my mind and i kinda had to jot down and save in my phone's draft folder a couple of days ago) ...

how do you stop from thinking murderous thoughts when being jostled around on the bus from all sides? or with someone's extra large bag sticking into, i dunno, your arm or your side or your butt perhaps. admittedly the streets in Jesus' time must have been infinitely more dirty and busy with the same types of idiots all over the place, for folly is universal and time-transcendent.

so how do you refrain being putting on your most antagonistic personality while commuting alone?

(there was supposed to be more stuff here but i don't feel like thinking, just wanna post sth. and so i leap to my conclusion)

to all my dear friends whom i love and respect, if only the world could consist solely of wonderful people like you. or at least, in my world. then i would not jostle, but give y'all big hugs.

back to my today:
my marketing presentation group got utterly smashed during Q&A. but well i have my textbook, and i have isaac, so i guess we shouldn't die. hopefully. I think I will finally get to S/U sth.

also, i am absolutely grateful to the 179A bus uncle who actually stopped the bus for us when he saw jonathan and i racing to catch it, with lydia stumbling along in her heels at back (she is so brave for running in them). it totally made my day, being able to catch a bus that i ran for, as compared to yday when i kept just missing things T_T which pisses me off no end.

okkk that is my rather disjointed random blog post of the day.

okay i was in pretty high spirits until i came home and then got cold water dumped all over my ambitions. why do i have a mother who just refuses to budge from her personal comfort zone to help her own daughter?

urgh.

but anyway.

quotes! i have plenty from today. okay, actually only three.

QUOTE #01
in my morning class, the teacher was talking abt the daydreamer hero characters in T.A. Hoffman's novelle's, and how they were pretty sentimental and over-indulgent in expressing their feelings. during the break i went out to eat my ham sandwich breakfast. another girl came out to thaw.
Joanna: what do you think of people who always talk about their emotions?
me: it gets tedious. that's why there are psychiatrists, coz nobody else wants to listen.
Joanna: i thought that's what a bartender was for.

QUOTE #02
went for mooncake-selling training in the evening. there were some other young pple who were there as well.
person from the company: ... during mooncake season you'll see stalls set up at car-four.
girl on my left: you mean carrefour (pronouncing it right).
person from the company: yeah, car-four.
girl on my left: erupts into smothered giggles

QUOTE #03
practicing our telemarketing skills according to the conversations they printed out for us.
guy1 (the seller): hi, do you remember me? i am [name], i'm your EXBOYFRIEND, do you eat mooncakes?
everybody else: O______O BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

...

Why, why are You still here with me
Didn't You see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself
But it's here I see the truth
I don't deserve You

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

by BarlowGirl

cast me not away from Thy presence O God
take not Thy Holy Spirit from me
restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation
and renew a right spirit within me

i woke up early today to go to church. which was a strange thing for all of us coz we weren't accustomed to morning church. apologies once again to my love for not being able to be there to support him as he led worship in his church.

service was held in the restaurant. i WAS glad to be there, in answer to your question paul, and at my table were, from my left, jon + paul + martin + marcus + mark + elijah + shaunald + cassandra. (: it was lovely fun. hahahaha. we won half of the quiz prizes, sharing coasters arnd to everybody, and then cheered for the church's birthday. whoohoo.

but there was this part during intercession where pastor jo's voice suddenly cracked when he was reading the verse from Joshua abt being strong and courageous. at first some of the younger ones thought that it was from stress that he missed a line or sth, but well personally i think it was probably a personal struggle that he was going thru, stress abt leading the church well and helping them grow and things like that. very natural for any leader WHO IS AWARE OF WHAT HE'S DOING to be afraid like that. why? coz if you really know who you are, you should know that you are sinful and that you are nothing... without God.

so i hope he finds his strength and reassurance in the Lord.

after that went down to alvin's house with some of the other synthesis youth who were involved in the skit filming. heheheh it was awful fun but of course awful tiring too. thank you benny for giving all us westies a lift back. not that you read my blog, but i hope you didn't get lost on your way back after dropping me. wheee.

okay i'm awfully tired. but today was a good day.

but really it just means a superfluous ornament, or flounces in a ladies' dress.

1. went thru an ordeal to get mom to drive me to sch coz by the time she got back to me to tell me NO i would be fifteen minutes late.
2. got lost driving coz we were so busy arguing in the car that we missed the exit and drove till tuas dunnowhere.
3. tried to u-turn but got onto the AYE instead of the PIE and WHEREONEARTHAREWEEEEEEEE
4. cdp101. i realised i did NOT miss all those little icebreaker/group dynamics exercises. but i made new friends :D
5. cdp101 part II. i realised that there was gonna be those headache questioning sessions and quibbling over word definitions in this course and it wasn't just an Improvisation thing.
6. told an woman off on the bus for shoving her bag and packets of warm food at me to get onto the train.
7. met isaac and ate fries and ice cream for tea and bacon burger and fries for dinner straight after.
8. angmoh girl whipped arnd in her seat to look at me when i was walking past the table and it was weird.
9. they asked to see my IC when we tried to go watch an NC16 movie.
10. The Hangover gave me a headache. guy humour? to me it was like bad singing. not funny.
11. home? marcus having high fever.

watched UP with isaac today. EVERYBODY should watch it. i laughed and cried, and then laughed and cried some more.

For all the happiness and the hilarity of the characters, and of course the very snappy witty way the plot buzzes along, the sadness of losing pple they love is just so heart-rending.

or perhaps it was that the soundtrack was really really good.

or perhaps both. (:

now who says that you can't use normal rice? (: